Ways to Say, "Don't Freaking Touch My Baby"

Whether it be a baby’s overwhelming cuteness or the fear of bad ojo, people can’t seem to keep their hands off a newborn baby.

Even though we can totally understand the appeal, germy hands aren’t exactly what you want stroking your 10-day-old infant. So I asked on Instagram what are some nice ways of saying, “don’t fucking touch my baby” and you guys didn’t disappoint.

Ways to say “don’t touch my baby”

Here are some polite (and not so polite) suggestions on how to ask people to keep their hands off your baby.

Blame it on the pediatrician

“This is [insert baby name here]. Just FYI, his/her doctor says he/she isn’t allowed to be touched by new friends yet, so we’ll have to just say hi for now.”

Wear your baby in a carrier

“I babywear when they are newborns because people are less likely to be grabby. It also lets me drape a blanket over them to again stop people from being handsy.”

Avoidance

“I saw a lady coming at my baby in the stroller and said nope and whipped the stroller away. Not today lady!”

Feet only, please

“There’s a Mexican belief called ‘Mal de ojo.’ If you see a baby, and you want to touch them but you don’t, you can make them sick. I used to encourage people to touch their feet (instead of hands and faces) because I don’t want them to get the ojo.”

She bites!

“I shout CAREFUL SHE BITES! and jerk the stroller away. The person usually does a startled laugh as I wheel away, and when they realize what happened we are already gone.”

Assume hand washing

“You’ve washed your hands, right?” as they’re going for the baby.

Arm yourself

“Carry around a spray bottle filled with water. A fire ‘NO’ and a squirt should stop grabby mcgraberson in their tracks.” ?

Look with your eyes

“At my oldest daughter’s daycare her nanny told the kids (when I brought my newborn): we only look at babies, you look with your eyes.”

Put it on them

“Please don’t touch him, it’s cold/flu season and I wouldn’t want you to feel guilty if he got sick (putting the onus on them! )”

Fake ailment

“Oh I’m so sorry, he/she has an illness/rash and it’s contagious”

Clean and simple

“Just a simple, ‘no thanks'”

Newborn bubble

“I’m on my third baby and this time around when they approach us I say, ‘please don’t touch, he’s still in his newborn bubble!’ and gesture with my hands.”

Keep it damn real

“Please don’t put your gross hands on my clean baby.”

No shots yet

“Oh, she’s not up to date on shots yet – sorry! We want to keep everyone safe!”

We aren’t touchers

“I stop them and say, ‘oh, we aren’t touchers.’”

No petting

“She’s an emotional support baby… no petting”

Make it weird

“Just start touching that person’s face and head. Make it weird.”

Fake cold

“I always say he’s getting over a cold even when he’s totally fine.”

Skip your guilt

“A woman reached in and touched my baby’s face while we were on a walk, and I instinctively pushed her hand away. Later I thought, “I can’t believe I touched a stranger like that.” And then I realized that’s exactly what she was doing to my baby!”

Jazz hands

“Jazz hands only, please!” (Then demo – it makes people laugh)

Rabies

“This one’s rabid.”

Undercover

“Always have a stretchy cover on the infant car seat or wear the baby on your chest in a carrier and people seem to be more likely to ask to see them and not touch.”