Here's What Infertility Feels Like...

What is it like trying to get pregnant?

It’s feeling giddy and excited to FINALLY be trying!
It’s waking up each day rubbing your belly hoping there is a little human in there.
It’s running into the bathroom for your morning pee (because you know it’s the best time) to pee on a stick that might change your whole world.
It’s holding the peed covered stick in your hand staring at it until the timer goes off.
It’s squinting to see if maybe in the right light that line would appear.
It’s throwing the test away… but, then picking it out of the trash a few hours later to see if it changed to positive.

What is it like to find out you have infertility issues?

It’s sitting in the doctor’s office trying not to cry.
It’s going home and researching everything you can find about your diagnosis. For me? It’s PCOS.
It’s taking your temperature every morning and logging it.
It’s turning the fun part of trying into a mechanically choreographed routine, where other fun stuff was cut out because “what’s the point? It won’t make a baby.”
It’s praying for a period, something I never thought I would do. Because I knew if I never had my period I couldn’t start my round of Clomid, which meant still no baby.
It’s checking parts of my body I never thought I would be checking.
It’s taking every vitamin and supplement in the book AND laying with my hips and legs in the air until I was too sore to move…

What is it like to do all of these things and still not be pregnant?

It. Is. Devastating.
I cried ALL the time. I would cry on my way home from class. I would ugly cry in the shower where I knew no one could see or hear me. I would tear up behind sunglasses when my friends would tell me their exciting news.
I felt completely alone.
No one wanted to talk to me about it. No one cared that I was struggling with getting pregnant. My own husband was tired of hearing about it.
My husband, oh my wonderful husband was always so positive, which made me so angry! Like, “how can you be so calm and hopeful? Don’t you know it’s not that easy?!”
I became closed off, pessimistic, and mean.
I was full of pain and anger. How can so many people get accidentally pregnant? …and here I am over here doing everything right and I still can’t get pregnant.
I hated myself….I blamed myself….

What did I do next?

I got fed up with the same rotation of medications that were doing absolutely nothing.
I was tired of waiting passively for more time to pass. Because to Doctors the more time that passed, the more I am taken seriously.
I sat patiently in the specialist’s office holding my husband’s hand excited to be taking a step towards being a mom.
I was scared of what he might say.
I was scared we would go broke trying to have a baby. I was scared there would be nothing they could do for us. I was scared I would never be a mother…

How did my story of infertility end?

It ended with me making a bunch of long, early morning drives to the specialist’s office.
It ended with me getting shots and lots and LOTS of blood work.
It ended with me finally getting those 2 lines on that sacred stick!!
It ended with me seeing two little black dots on my ultrasound…

Where are we now?

After a long and difficult pregnancy, my beautiful babies were brought into the world with an emergency c-section. I remember lying on that cold hospital table terrified, praying, and holding my breath for that sacred cry to pierce my ears. Tears began rolling down my face the moment I heard that first scream. I held them close, the smallest and most beautiful babies I had ever seen, while crying tears of pure joy. They were healthy and strong!